| I am not much of a philosopher, but there are many topics I had actually sat down to look at over the two year period of time that this book was writen. Below are a couple of exerpts ofthe topics I looked at and the view I take on them. The first writing is called 'Letting Go'. Letting go of a problems has it's difficulties, not all problems are easy to answer. So, I wrote about my take on 'Letting Go' of ones problems.
The other writing is called Depresion (Real or Self Pity). I had herd my share of 'You're only felling sorry for yourself' when i was really dealing with major depression that quote really started to piss me off. There are people who use depresion and pity for personal gain, and that's a crying shame. People with depresion have a hard enough time trying to live without have people take advantage of the help others truely need.
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| From Pg. 33, 34 This side of my writings look at my rather unusual, overcomplicated way of looking at personal issues. Most of the responses I get from the people around me are that I am missing the obvious to most of my problems and making things harder that they need to be. However, I have found that posthing these writhings to my journal and then sharing them with orhers has given me a chance to review them as I write them and get feedback from those who read them. I also get more from them again as I step back and reread them. A number of these writings were written in depressed and confused states, when I tended to think too deep and rationalize to much, but most people have stated a likng to the way I sound and put things, or so they say. I have been told that I have a very unique way about my complexity. I find that to be interesting, because it drives ne nuts most of the time; but it tends to intrigue those who work with me to no end. I know what most of my problens are ,such as: I think too much, I rationalize, generalize, magnify, project,etc. So I write this to the public in hopes that one or more of three things will be accomplished. A) I can learn and grow from the review of my thinking. B) Others can learn and grow from my unusual thinking. C) To give those who suffer from the same problems a chance to find themselves. I am aware that a mumber of these writings are of a depressive nature. I have been spending a lot of time as of late trying to figure out why things have to be the way they are. Why? 1) I have a lot of time on my hands, and 2) I think too much any way, so I might as well put it to some use; besides, venting these frustrations is good for the soul, and 3) the insight may help others who see things the same way find their way out of the same holes. In these writings I do not aspire to know much of anything, especially psychology or philosophy. However, I have a keen insight and perception into the way I see things and the way I feel about my morals and standards. The opinions I give in these writings are just that , my opinions. I base these opinions on what I have witnessed, and the fact is, I have witnessed may types of events, and it helps to know that I am not known for lying. I am justy happy to share my insight withe others, no matter how unsual or ironic those insights may be.
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The List of topics covered in the book are:
My Catch "22" - Letting Go - A Logic In Chaos? - Isolation
Depression (Real or Self-Pity - Codependency - Judgments or Perceptions
Self-Esteem vs. Egotism - What if? - An Aesthetic Value
Keeping It Simple - Common Bond
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From Pgs. 36 - 39
How many of you heard or have heard of the wise advice of "Let it Go"? If a problem is eating you up, "Let it Go." If one you have loved leaves you brokenhearted, "Let it Go". If you have lost a good job unfairly or you just can't get out of a depressive funk, "LET IT GO!"
Letting go has to be one of the easier things to do for someone who has already learned the art or skill of practicing it. However, if you have not learned the trick to letting go, it can be like the string of a yo-yo, forever pulling a problem back to you 'til you learn to cut the string; cutting the string being the key to letting go. Most of the problems one faces redundantly, coming back whether it is wanted or not, is defiantly not letting go. Now this leads me to my complication, or shall I say, my overindulgence in over-complicating an issue.
It is believed that we need our past to learn from, to prevent us from making or repeating our mistakes. I agree, however, this, to me, is not letting go. This would lead me to believe that letting go is not repeating the same problem, issue, or situation. This is great for anyone who can learn his or her lessons the first time around, to not bring up a past heartbreak or past firing or bad life experience.
Now, the first thing to come to my mind is, what of those with certain personality traits, mental issues, memory problems, and other character defects that keep some from learning the first time around? They're your nerds, geeks and general morons. People are labeled by their circumstances rather than being labeled as troubled and needing help. For example someone with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), their life circumstance has left them scared. How do they "Let Go?" Their trauma is in the past, but their problems are in the now. How does one begin to change what they are without changing who they are? A lot of people are very comfortable with who they are, no matter their position, yet are very discontent with the flaws within, of what they are.
I have an old friend of mine. He is a very active drinker, a case a day easy. He doesn't have a care in the world, or so it would seen if you were to watch him party. He goes to work every day, sits home, plays cards, hangs out with his friends, smokes his pot, and drinks his beer after work every night.
People who can't handle their booze, outside of the obvious destruction he is doing himself, could envy him. Some would say he is tormented inside, that he just stuffs his problems and then abuses them away with pot and beer. This could very well be true. Others could say that his chronic use of pot and beer is his way of letting go, of healing with his problems, even though he is killing himself in the process.
I do believe everybody has his or her own way to cope, and to deal, and to "Let go." I myself just haven't found a way that makes me happy or makes any sense to me yet, I guess. Letting go, to me, is so very difficult. My mind continually wanders back to the things that have a binding hold on me.
I will use myself as an example, as I will in most all of my writings. I have a psychological disorder known as bi-polar disorder, and lately I have been diagnosed as having obsessive-compulsive disorder; like I need any more problems to work on. Anyway, the bi-polar condition runs on a 30 day cycle, or very close to it, just like clockwork. Twenty days are spent at a normally moderate depressive state, I may be even a little happy with myself, if I'm Lucky, things seem to run so normalcy that I am oblivious to the possibilities that things are going to change. Perhaps I may even be a touch sociable, although rarely, and this, I feel, Is as close to normal as I get.
Then for three to six days I ride a manic,"ain't life grand" high. During this time, I haven't a care. I am beyond normal, I am great. I have the world by the balls ( sorry for the rudeness, but the analogy is accurate). I could solve world hunger, even write incredible writings, talk logic, and even consider myself sort of great, egocentric.
Then the bottom drops out. With no notice, in less than a days' time and triggered by any little thing, I get to spent the next three to six days wishing I didn't exist. I just want to disappear, nothing has any meaning, the world sucks, and people are morons. I just want to curl up under a desk and hide from the world. There is no use. all hope is gone, and there isn't thing one I can do about it, even the things I love to do; music, being a drummer, doesn't even look like fun anymore. Going places and doing any little thing just doesn't hold any value.
So what happened to yesterday? It's gone! Let go? Yeah right! Let God? Yeah right! I have never found an answer for this part of the miserable equation. Pot and beer can stave it off for a while, but it is not a practical long-term solution. So what is a solution?
I have gotten a lot of good feedback; look forward not back, think of happy things, and surround yourself with positive people. However, those three to six days of despair can strip me of all dignity, and common sense doesn't come well during that time. I hear what is being said, but it looks so hopeless.
What about the manic? It's no better of a solution. I can be the greatest guy in the world when I'm manic, buy the last thing I need is lessons and advice when I'm feeling great. I'll be lucky if much of anything sticks to memory, let alone advice. I also have a problem with a mind that runs at two hundred MPH. Then there are the other twenty day of the month. Yeah right, I'm just learning how to live clean and sober, and to tell you the truth, that is a handful in and of itself. During all my using days, I accumulated very little practical living experience, very little.
So, believe this or not, I call this my unbiased perception of my life so far in a nutshell. If I were to accurately compare it to something we could all understand, something that would give me something I can defiantly relate to , it would be Charlie Brown!. He does not ask the tree to eat his kite, nor does he ask Lucy to pull the football away when he goes to kick it. He is continually beaned by his own pitches, and he has yet to be on a winning team.
Yet in every episode he perseveres, Charlie Brown flies that kite, runs at that kick, pitcher that pitch, and plays that game of ball. However in spite of his continual trying again and again, the tree still eats his kite Lucy still pulls the football, he still gets hit by that pitch, and he still looses that game, Is this irrational thinking and behavior? To me, yes! (especially being that I am not a cartoon character). A big part of the irrational thinking is that I believe I can't get out of the Charlie Brown funk. Nothing is forever, just as nothing is always, But how does one change what they feel is inevitable? Frustrated ye? I am daily.
Please do not think I am on some pity trip. I'm not. In all this, I am just trying to get some basic concept of letting go of the things that hold me back. Namely for me, "Charlie Brown Syndrome. " I do hold out some kind of hope for the future, if not, I wouldn't be able to stay sober today. I am mot totally pessimistic, for logic dictates that change is inevitable, just as history repeating itself is inevitable for those who don't learn. I am an optimist with pessimistic qualities or is that a pessimist with optimistic qualities?
So getting back to the topic at hand, how does someone take an issue, situation, or problem and "Let Go" Not a yo-yo let go but a cut-the-string let go. How can one practice what one does not know? And how dies one know what one cannot practice.
Joseph J Boyle 7-04-03 / revised 3-02-04 Posted to Web Site 8-04-05
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| From Pages 47-51
Depression (Real or Self-pity?)
This topec is an easy, yet difficult one to write about only because of how close I am to it. I try to hold a certain amount of objectivity to most of my writings, although they are personal in nature. However, depression had brought me to my knees on more than one occasion. I have had to admit to myself that I an alcoholic and an addict, although it had to be proven to me that I had the personality to fall prey to addiction.
Depression o the other hand needs no introduction or proving ay all. I can choose to put down the drink or the drug. Depression is going to dome whether I want it or not. Now granted, how I handle it is up to me, but even that is a torturous test. I know this because I had had to deal with depression and anxiety since childhood, so it is rather ingrained into my mind. That to me is why it can be so hard to deal with.
I have asked several people their opinion of what they think the difference is between depression and self-pity, and it comes down to a few points of view. Those who understand depression and don’t believe in self-pity, these are the people who have dealt with depression closely. Then there are those that understand depression and think most depressed people are feeling sorry for themselves because they aren’t as strong as they are. These are mainly people who have dealt with depression around them, and over time, somehow became jaded to it.
There are those who do not understand depression and feel too many people in this world want people to feel sorry for them. These people are people who bitch and complain that they just a free ride thorough life. These are the understandings I have cone to from over twenty years of talking to people and being treated like shit by people and being very little understood by people. I had personally dealt with all three. As you read many of my other writings, you will find I have traveled extensively and have had a great many chances to strike up idle conversation with people. Only now at thirty-six going on thirty-seven am I telling the stories, or feel I can explain myself better.
I have a story. It is a hypothetical story. However, I have used it before, and some people have thought it to be mine, and others thought I was reading their minds as I told it. The “I” in the story is figurative.
I awoke one morning to a partly cloudy day, not feeling particularly happy or sad. I went to the bathroom to start my morning routine, as I gave done many mornings before, to find someone had left several cups and glasses on the bathroom sink and water and dried toothpaste all over. This is not the first time this has happened. I push all the stuff back and sop up the water, pull out my toiletries, and continue with my bathroom ritual with a small sigh of irritation. I return to my room to get dressed.
As I do, a nagging feeling strikes me that things feel a little off today. I just can’t put a finger on it, just a nagging shadow of feeling. I try to dismiss the thought, but it sticks as I try to think of happier things, as I get dressed. When I get to the kitchen for breakfast, I find everyone else had left, but in their typical slob-like manner, there are cereal crumbs everywhere, milk puddles o the table, and dishes in the sink when there is an empty dishwasher to put the dishes into. “Damn, it’s going to be one of those days.”
I know I could try to pull out a little more hope, but it’s beginning to look more and more hopeless. I still have a long day ahead, But I have seen days that start like this before. I can only hope it’s different this time. Sometime through the day my head begins to take over against my better judgment. Things start to feel like they are beginning to go really wrong.
Not only did the morning start out bad, but also I can’t fine anything good in the day despite any successes. Reminders of past circumstance start to fall into play. I felt link this once before, and this is what happened. I couldn’t stop that from happening when such and such happened, and a panic begins to grip me. I know damn well there is no real basis for this depressed behavior, but I fell helpless against it.
What should I do? Where should I go? Who could I see? I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems. I’m too distraught to go anywhere, and I’m too confused to know what to do. WHAT DO I DO?!!!
Then it comes t me, there are three meetings in a row all within blocks of each other, An A.A., an N.A., and a D.R.A. (Duel recovery anonymous). If this doesn’t solve this crisis, I don’t know what will. I put on my best game face, I go to all three meeting and bring up the same topic, explain about my confusion and anxiety, and how nothing seems to go right, I let these people know that these feeling are just the feelings that led me to drink and drug as an escape. In all three meetings, I get the same general consensus. I thought being that they were different meetings with different people; I would get a different response. They look at you in early recovery and proceed to tell you it’s common to feel this way in early recovery you are not you are not yet used to working without substances in your system, You are also to ld to buck up, be strong, get off the pity pot, quit feeling sorry for yourself, and so something about it. Rather than just sit there in you self-pity.
I left the meetings aghast, I had thought going to the meeting to be with these people and seek their advice was doing something good for my esteem. I had had no idea that going to these meetings and bringing up this topic was going to get me chastised and castigated. So, now where do I turn when I fall prey to another depressive attack?
Even though that story is hypothetical, I have been there, I have seen others there as well, I feel bad for the people who are not understood, and sometimes, I feel pity for those who don’t understand. Granted it infuriates me when people use their condition intentionally for gain and sympathy. That may be what people view as the pity pot, and if it is, it’s too bad, there are too many of us out here who need compassion and understanding, without having arrogant self-seeking jackasses ruining the help and understanding we need. If this sounds judgmental see “JUDGEMENTS AND PERCEPTIONS.” I address the right to judge.
I have grown to loath the words “pity pot” and “felling sorry for yourself.” If I had a dollar for every time I was told either when I was genuinely confused, lonely, scared, and depressed, I would have no financial worries, today. I genuinely and sincerely believe people do not understand depression and what it does and can do to a person.
As someone who has lived with depression for thirty-six years, I have to admit it had been lightened greatly as of late. I keep a daily Log of my feelings, and I chart them. (Charts will be available soon) I have been doing this for about three months now and in this time, the changes are very noticeable. ‘My medications, although needing a little more stabilization, are doing all right. Therapy is ok, but I personally credit most of the last month’s improvement to having a special friend whom I’ll be talking about in the next topic “CODEPENDENCY”. I have found it amazing how a new friendship can pull one from the darkest reaches.
I have seen depression in many forms. I have seen mild depression, where someone is just down in the dumps for a bit, and bi-polar, such as myself. I run in up and down cycles. Mine are monthly, where others are more rapid, and still others less rapid with longer durations. The condition of depression comes in many forms. In the case of bi-polar people, the depression is hidden behind manic times, times of feeling so good there is absolutely nothing wrong. How do you treat something that isn’t there then is?
If you still think depression is self-pity ask Steve Clark of Def Leppard, who drank himself to the grave over depression, or Kirt Cobain or Ingo Schwichtenberg, who was the drummer for the band Helloween. I used his style of playing to emulate in learning to play through the late eighties, and early nineties.
I just found out from Helloween’s latest greatest hits CD that Ingo committed suicide in March of ’95. It was stated the he just couldn’t deal with life’s stresses. Ask any of these guys if they were just feeling sorry for themselves. Oh, that’s right, they’re dead. I don’t recall them loving themselves to their deaths. Feeling sorry for one’s self is bullshit, DEPRESSION CAN KILL !!!
Joseph J Boyle 9-14-03
Revised 4-08-04
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Id Laberynth: Writing, Mentality, Recovery
By: Joseph JJ Boyle
Pg. 62
What If?
As many of my friends would say, I live in a dream world. I constantly believe people should be honest and always tell the truth and never lie, cheat, or steal. So what’s wrong with that? Shouldn’t people be this way? Why couldn’t if be this way. Why would it be so unrealistic to believe everyone around me can live by the same convictions as I do? Another “what if” I enjoy from these writings is, “What if I am allowed to freely express myself and my beliefs, to be able to tell the world that I feel I have been stifled from saying all there year, ‘Damn I t, I love being me!’?”
I could never say that in public, because I fall prey to my fears of being stifled and am told that I am an egomaniac, that, for some reason, my loving myself is different than someone else who says the same thing. I couldn’t speak freely at a public function, but I can say it here on paper. Why? I haven’t a clue. So, in this article, I am going t step out on a limb and speak out on my beliefs about the what ifs of out society.
Just to make a couple of things clear, I judge no one! I draw conclusions from observation, discussions, and other resources. The things I hate are just that, things, not the people who do them. Example: if a person swears obsessively, I don’t hate the person for swearing obsessively, I hate the obsessive swearing. This distinction is important, because what I plan on attacking is immorality, not necessarily the people who commit it. They are merely victims of humanitarian desires, lust, greed, gluttony, and so on. We all have our weaknesses.
The question is, how prevalent is it? How do we spot it? And how do we ease up on or stop it? That is why I’m going to try to discuss it. Now for the big question. Who’s standards am I going to use? In the next paragraph, I will open up with a set of principles. I will attempt to make those principles neutral, because some people do not like where they came from. But I maintain that it doesn’t matter where they come from, they are a good foundation for morality.
Morality verses immorality, good verses bad, where do we start? How ‘bout the basics? I’m sure we cal all agree that immorality is following bad principles. How should we draw up these good principles? Can we agree that it is not a good thing to lie to our fellow man? (I use man generally for mankind or human kind and it includes woman) Can we agree that we should not steal from our fellow man? Can we agree not to arbitrarily bring harm to our fellow man? Can we agree we should not cheat on or against our fellow man? How damaging is envy and lust? Envy can potentially bring man great harm as well as lust.
I am sure many of you can see where I am going with this list. I ha a couple of questions first. Are these not a good and highly moral set of standards to live by for all of mankind Secondly, does if really matter where they came form or who potentially wore them first? I contend that even if the Bible had never been written, it would still be unethical for man to lie, cheat, steal, kill and lust. So why are we bitching about where this Great List of principles is hung?
Oh, I forgot there is a mention of a God that some people don’t believe in. America, “One nation under God, with liberty, and justice for all.” The Ten Commandments stenciled out constitution. Does this whole country have to be God-fearing Christians? No! But if you don’t want to believe, then leave the believers alone. There is nothing saying you have to. Oppressed Christians founded this country, so in my opinion, they were here first.
To me also, if you want the Ten Commandments torn down, it means you secretly want to break one or more of those rules. So if we dispose of them, you can…what? Steal, cheat your neighbor, beat or kill someone? Why would someone want those principles gone? God? Whether God is in those principles or not, you’re just as free to follow them or not. So the bottom line here is, what difference does it make if you’re following the rules? Who are you inevitably answerable to? For believers it is God. For unbelievers, they are still answerable to themselves and their conscience.
Social immorality, oh God, where to start? Let’s get controversial right of the bat. I personally love heavy metal music. I myself don’t listen to any with vulgar lyrics or strong subject matter, bands like Metal Church, Savatage, Helloween, etc. There is even some very heavy Christian metal out there that is outstanding. However where am I going? To have fun first is with rap and pop music. Rap? If the lyrics aren’t screwing everything with two legs, pimpin’, husslin’ of shootin’ somethin’ in da streets, I personally wound have no clue what the lyrics have the people rappin, doing, because I have never heard a song mention the before mentioned list.
I feel sorry for the African-American people, because rap music maker the majority of the black population look back, and that is something I have heard from more than one person. The stories I have heard growing up have been hard to get over. Black kids turning on black doctors and lawyers and businessmen, saying they have betrayed their heritage by joining the White man.
I didn’t grow up hearing about whites hating blacks. I was in the country, the only thing I heard from and about the city was how black gangs fought black gangs, Spanish fought Spanish. There might be one or two whites beating a black guy here and there but very rarely. The hate I heard about came from their own, I am very sorry to say.
When I say the L.A. riots on TV, all the looters were stealing and destroying their own stores and houses. How was that getting back at the white cops for beating Mr. King? The message I got was, “Because a white cop beat a black man, I will go to the streets and steal my brother’s TV or maybe raid another ethnic group’s store.” How is that striking back at the white man who did the wring in the first place?
Pop music? Skinny bottle-blondes performing mock sex acts on stage in front of an average age audience of fifteen years old, singing about true love, or lack there of. How many twelve to fourteen year old girls out there want to dance and emulate Britney Spears or Madonna? How many different singers have songs that sing about “getting it on all night long” or “how good it feels up in there”? Come on/ this is everyday radio airplay! And we are wondering why our kids are having kids.
I could place blame on the parents, but that wouldn’t do much good, because most parents are drooling over Britney and Madonna too, and listening to the same perverted music. Then you get Anti groups who are to pro actively trying t stop this stuff by making is illegal. Then in retaliation after the courts find for the musicians for free speech, you get shock musicians who retort with more harsh material that we could imagine. Eminem and others are showing just how bad they can be. These are the years of decay!
What if we could take our kids today and place them back thirty years ago? Wouldn’t’ that be funny? What if our youth couldn’t sue their parents? Want if parents could actual spank their kids without going to jail? And the biggy, what if parents know how to sternly discipline kids without beating them?
I personally believe a lot has been lost over the years in the way the youth have been raised. Not totally, but quite a bit. I have seen and heard a lot of disrespect coming from the streets of the youth, the kids of the streets today think that society owes them living. I almost believe attention deficit disorder is no more that kids who don’t and won’t care no matter what is taught them.
These are the kids that tell their parents and teachers, “You can’t make me!” or “Screw you, I ain’t gonna’!” And you know what? They are right. Kids have rights today. They have the right not to do anything they don’t want to, and if they are forced, it comes down as a form of abuse. I was one of those kids raised with no expectations, and it came back to bite me in the ass. I have no clue how to stop this from happening. It is like a giant Catch 22.
If we forcefully stop a child from doing something harmful, it’s abuse. And if we do nothing t stop the, it’s neglect. It’s a wonder many parents five up on their kids today. Today’s philosophy with kids is not to be their parent but to be their friend. I do not believe this is right. They need the discipline and guidance of an experienced parent. But that is going to be hard to do, because the parents today were the first kids of that broken yesterday.
As adults, where are we supposed to look for guidance when this all turns a mess? In my opinion, go back to the third paragraph of this writing and live your day from there. Your kid, your wife, your friends, your job, and yourself. The one thing not mentioned on that list is the most significant asset to mankind: Honesty.
There is something else I have noticed that runs parallel to society’s decay, which to me is an interesting analogy. When it came to killing infection fifty years ago, just about everyone could be given penicillin and be sent on their way. But over the last several decades, infectious bacteria have mutated to grow st4onger that the medicine that could defeat it. I believe it may have something to do with the natural order of things, an evolutionary way to survive. In this case, bacteriological.
Who do I mention this? Because, I feel that in the same exact way, out society and mankind’s existence is to evolve a certain way. And when our system turns to falsehood, adultery, and thievery, its natural order is to decay or grow jaded and heartless. People say we are the richest country in the world. Are we? We are trillions of dollars in debt to countries we can’t pay.
We are the healthiest country on the world. Are we? We have a larger patient to doctor ratio than any country in the world. Only third world countries have it worse. Well, we have a freer society. Do we? We have ten times more layers and laws than Japan, more people in prison for petty crimes than any other country with more confining laws than any country. The U.S. is one of the leading countries of petty crime, theft, drugs, and other non-violent crimes. What have we bred? And what do we do?
Going back to the beginning of this writing, what if I were to be honest with my surrounding and myself? Would if be so impossible to take honesty and what if and go through your day? Take a guess at what the result would be. Set this paper down and think about it. Take those two things and apply them to your day, and what do you get? You get someone who does his best: one who does not have to lie, cheat, steal, lust, or envy, who is thankful for his existence and doesn’t have to worry about much of anything that had gone wrong, because he lived up to the best he could do in keeping those principles.
So, how crazy am I for trying not to lie to people or not wanting everything or stepping on people to get ahead? I have been called a pacifist. I was, and way too shy. Oh, well. My conscience is rather clean as far as my interaction with others. I really don’t think I’m wrong to think the world could be better if we all worked to follow our hearts a little more. I know we all have a conscience; we know when something is not right. It is up to us not to do it.
So what if we followed our hearts? What if?
Joseph J Boyle 9-29-03
Revised 4-10-04
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